dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
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Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
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Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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