Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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