I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
