My sheets look like a crime scene.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
