She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
