why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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