Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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