Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
