I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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