my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
