You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
