In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He passed out mid-signature
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
