does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
