I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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