Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
