He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
