I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
