I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
