Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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