you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
