Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
