I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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