I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
