where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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