i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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