p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
