Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
