so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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