dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
