Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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