Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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