There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
