hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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