They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
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I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision