i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
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It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
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DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation