I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
