I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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