you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
