Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
