I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
