The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
