Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
