I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
