"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
