"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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