I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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