i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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