My room smells like vodka and shame
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Floor bacon is actually really good
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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