Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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