just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
