hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
