if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
