Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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