I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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