I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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