come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
