She tied me up with her honor cords...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
