my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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