no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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