I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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