i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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