sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
