He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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